Monday, September 22, 2008

Swan's info

I'm just a normal 18 year old.
I graduated from high school this year.Went to an all girls boarding school in one of the princely states of India.Got great grades.I was the school head,was the lead guitarist in the rock band,was the editor of all the school publications,was the dramatics society head,best actor in my school,played the flute in the school orchestra,played piano since I was 8,swam,did martial arts,won national level quiz competitions,head of the animal lovers club..blah blah!.
So yea..I did pretty well in school.
But hell,now that I'm outta there,none of that shit matters anymore.

I'd like to think of myself as being cold,mysterious..secretive maybe.But hell..people tell me that I am the complete opposite.I'm as open as a goddamn headline in the national daily newspaper.I'm probably the warmest person you'll come across,someone who'll make you laugh.And yea..secrets.I just cant seem to keep them.I'm always smiling.I go through life with a goddamn smile so wide...its sickening.
But this is where the problem arises.

The problem is that,in the words of JD Salinger's Holden.. I am a phoney...a complete fake.
I hate the people I come across.Most people who consider themselves my friends think that I am their best friend...and the nicest girl on earth.
They don't realise that that my facade is just a carefully orchestrated role,like that in a movie.They don't realise that every emotion I exhibit..every action of mine..has been carefully thought over and replayed in my head.Hell,if they just saw the right movies..they would know that everything I said to them were just lines.
I hated everything I did in school.Neither does play writing excite me..nor do I enjoy playing any of those instruments music.hell,I don't even like listening to songs.I hated being part of the newsletter.I hate writing.

Ive been in boarding since I was 10.My mum's dead.Her replacement,my grandmother...died too.All my pets died.
I sometimes wonder if I'm dead to.Because inside..I don't feel anything.But then I breathe..Hark!..there go my sweetly melancholic visions of dying and being mourned.

I hope to become a doctor in the future.Indian medical schools are shit difficult to get into,lakhs of students sit for the entrance exams..and 90 % of them are those sad,poor buggers who have been preparing for med entrances ever since they learned their ABC's,in some pathetic little village school.No place for us snooty,public school kids,who were taught to focus on their all-round development, here.If I could,I'd torch that bloody word-all round develpment..bleh!

I am thinking of going to USA for my undergrad..and get into Havard or John Hopkins after;unless I get killed first.Screwy world that we live in.

Will be continued.

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